In Which Dave Is an Idiot
by A Soul of Shadows
Summary: Well, the title speaks for a lot, but I'm not lazy, so I'll continue. Most of the occupants of the meteor have become concerned with a certain occupants absence. Dave is elected to go talk some sense into said occupant. Cotton-candy-like fluff and feelings jams ensue. It's a moirail fic if you hadn't caught on. Kankri portion: meh, swearing. Don't read if not caught up.
1. Dave Nearly Dies by Sugar

**Also not part of the Circle series. However, two stories posted in one day. Whoop whoop. This one isn't related to the other one, unless you want it to be, and is written because I wanted a certain type of fic. One that you will find out the nature of next chapter. It's not smut...I don't do smut. Shut up. Moirail Davekat cause I ship it, but Dave doesn't know it's a thing. Also, this is Dave and Karkat again cause you guys love my Dave and Karkat stuff. Admit it. You love it. All of the love.**

* * *

_Dave: Rise up_

Ugh, no. Five more minutes.

* * *

_Argh! Fine! The story settles for another. Karkat: Rise up_

He fails to rise up.

* * *

_...Really? Honestly. Dave: RISE UP THIS INSTANT_

Dave's eyes snap open as he shoots straight up out of bed, flails his arms, and falls to the ground with a muffled 'eep.' His pajama cape had fallen across his face, causing aforementioned muffled tones. He was thankful that no one had been observing that momentary lack of grace, for it was always awkward to come back from such situations considering his perfect mask. Well, almost perfect mask. Either way, he leaps up, dusting himself off as he walks to the bedroom door. Screw immediate hygiene. He'd been living on the meteor long enough to see each and every resident have a day where they didn't give a shit about prettying up before breakfast.

Speaking of breakfast, Dave was in need of food...which kind of shows how much being a god is worth. He began contemplating what moron could have possibly thought up, 'Oh, let's give them the ability of flight, a dubious power boost, a stupid outfit, and partial immortality that means they have to die a lame death for it to count. However, they otherwise follow the demands of mortality.' Yeah, lame. So lame.

After finishing his inner rant, most of which was muttered aloud, Dave had reached the common area where Rose and Kanaya practiced the art of leaving way too much food out on the tables for the residents of Hell (Dave had long since suspected that he and Rose had actually died inside Derse and that the trolls were actually demon tormentors who sucked at their jobs). A quick glance around the room showed that mostly everyone was up and eating already. Dave grabbed a plate of french toast, buried that shit in powdered sugar, and sat with down with his sweet demise. Due to the excessive amounts of white fluff on his food, he should have taken more caution to not breath while each morsel was near his mouth. However, Dave was distracted as Rose spoke, though he didn't quite catch what she said as he breathed in and sucked a generous amount of powdered death down his trachea. White dust spewed from his lungs as he doubled over in a fit of coughing that could rival a victim of tuberculosis.

"Well then. How interesting," Rose said, "I didn't realize you cared that much."

"what?" Dave wheezed as he recovered.

Rose smirked, "Your timing, as always, coincided perfectly with parallel events. I asked why Karkat was missing from the room, then you nearly required the assistance of your god tier abilities when you chocked on a very great amount of fine, processed sugar."

"shut the fuck up, rose. karkles is obviously in his room."

Rose raised an eyebrow, "If that were so, we'd have to believe he'd been in there for the last few days. Also, aren't you concerned for him?"

"nah."

"Really?"

"Dave," Kanaya spoke up, "I Believe That You Should Go Speak With Him. I Doubt He'd Let Me In, But He Trusts You And Will Certainly Speak To You."

"me? he hates me with the passion that most high school freshmen reserve for shakespeare." Kanaya seemed shocked. Her eyes turned into luminescent globes (not just in the regard that they glowed slightly) as her mouth gaped a bit.

"Do You Really Think That? Aren't You And He-"

"Kanaya, he's a _human_ teenage boy with disregard to the, um,"Rose glanced at Dave briefly, "...the you-know-whats."

"Oh. Oh My," Kanaya daintily placed a hand on her lip as though scandalized. Rose nodded grimly.

Dave sighed and pushed his chair back, "you know what? i _will_ try to talk to him, because you guys are just...ugh. Just ugh."

And with an exit that an melodramatic schoolgirl would be proud of, Dave stood, turned on his heel, and sauntered away with the proverbial scribble mark following his head to emphasize his frustration.

* * *

**Oh Dave. Silly, foolish Dave. How I love your facade. The one that hides nothing but your eyes. Hahahahahahahaha. I am now the spider8itch. It is me. I manipulate Dave into all of the situations. Aaaaaaaall of them. *but seriously, my friends want me to cosplay Vriska***


	2. Dave Misses Everything Important

**Just a reminder, this is not my Circle series, so this is not supposed to follow the rules of canon. While I don't deviate much, I skew the known timeline just a smidge. If you catch it, internet cookies for you.**

* * *

_Dave: Use the Transportalizer Leading To Karkat's Room_

Okay, sure. But that'll only work if he is allowing visitors at the moment and oh hey look, Dave got through. Hm. Interesting. However, Dave's progress was quickly halted by the closed door that blocked the way to the actual portion of the meteor that was claimed by Karkat. Funny, that door wasn't there the last time he'd been through here. Granted, that was a while ago, and trolls seemed to have some strange love of architectural projects. Perhaps he had recently alchemized various things for his own mini architectural project and put that door there.

No, wait, that sounded really stupid.

* * *

_Dave: Just knock on the Stupid Door_

Alright. Dave knocks on the door as he shouts, "HEY NUBS! OPEN UP. our gang of jolly misfits has grown to be worried for you. show your face, dude."

"DAVE? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Karkat's voice sounded from the other side of the door.

"can't you see? i'm either going to get you to open up this door and come out of your self-proclaimed exile or go get reinforcements. unlock the door right now young man."

"IT _IS_ UNLOCKED YOU NOOKSNIFFING TWAT. YOU SERIOUSLY DIDN'T TRY THE DOOR? WOW. EPIC LEVELS OF INTELLIGENCE RIGHT THERE, DAVE."

"oh," Dave glanced at the doorknob,"okay, mission accomplished." Dave proceeded to open the stupid door. He was greeted by a strangely normal yet bizarre circumstance that made him reel his head back a bit and widen his eyes slightly. Karkat was watching a romcom on his musktop or whatever it's called while covered by two blankets. He had a box of tissues next to him, causing alarm bells to start ringing in Dave's head, and a trash can with crumpled up pink tissues inside. On his dresser, or perhaps his rectangular clothes container, was a half finished bowl of spaghettios. Not soup or the troll equivalent. Spaghettios. Human spaghettios too, because Dave saw a can on the floor that read out the title of the fake spaghetti in English rather than chicken-scratch-alien. But what made the situation bizarre was the fact that Karkat was sitting on a bed. Like, an actual bed, and not a shitty pile of horns or anything else impractical. "dude, no offense, but what the hell are you doing? everyone's gotten worried about you not showing your face for the past couple of days. did you know that rose came up to me, waterworks a goin, and pleaded for me to be her glorious Knight so she could please her girlfriend by forcing me to check up on you? i am disgraced."

"DAVE, SHUT THE HELL UP."

"come to think of it, your face is looking pretty awful." Which it did. He face was an unnatural shade of grey. Even by troll standards, his pallor looked sickly. His cheeks had patchy splotches of pink on them and the dark circles on his eyes looked almost black. Dave was surprised that the dude was still able to talk so loudly. Granted, he sounded hoarse as hell's backside, but to be fair, he almost always sounded somewhat hoarse. Well, he _had._ Lately, Dave had taken note on how Karkat was somewhat quieter and more restrained. Still louder than life, but quieter.

"THANK YOU STRIDER. I WAS COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF MY GHASTLY APPEARANCE. OH, WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE WITHOUT YOUR MAGNIFICENT KNIGHTLY GUIDENCE?" he asks with supreme sarcasm

"lose track of time?" Dave replies in a tone of mock helpfulness.

"TIME IS AN ILLUSION HERE, DAVE. JUST SOMETHING FOR US TO TRY TO THINK RELATIVELY ON HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR OUR ETERNAL VOYAGE TO END."

"you talking about our meteor road trip or just life in general?"

"ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE. AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FROM WAY BACK BEFORE THIS CONVERSATION DERAILED INTO HELL, I AM OBVIOUSLY INDISPOSED AND SHOULD NOT BE AROUND OTHERS LEST I SPREAD THE PLAGUE OF THE HORRORTERRORS. THERE. QUESTION FUCKING SETTLED. ALSO, I SUPPOSE IT'S MILDLY COMFORTING THAT MY ABSENCE WAS NOTED, BUT IT HASN'T BEEN DAYS. IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO WEEKS."

"wait, you've literally been in _here_ for two weeks? i thought you pulled one of gamzee's tricks and were just scooting around in the vents to avoid us. i had personally thought that you had finally fallen into that clown's charm and become down with the clown. now you're telling me that you've just shut yourself up in here for half a month? dude, i would have worried if i'd known that. how long have you been living on fucking spaghettios? is this how your clown buddy takes care of his friends? cause you know, i do know a little bit about your crazy troll squares, and taking care of you while you're sick seems like something he should be doing. also, what kind of stupid fucking illness lasts for two weeks?"

"THE TROLL KINDS, DAVE. TROLL DISEASES ARE BRUTAL."

"what do you have, the troll flu?"

"YES."

"so that's...actually what it's called."

"YES. WHY?"

"well, it's just that calling things the same thing as i would normally with the word troll in front of it is really stupid. it's like saying the human flu. by those rules, i should call you Troll Karkat."

"NO. KARKAT TROLL. LIKE DAVE HUMAN. OR JOHN HUMAN. WE'RE DIFFERENT SPECIES, SO THE SPECIES TAG GOES ON THE END FOR PEOPLE."

"what the fuck," Dave says, exasperated, "you know what? never mind. you are taking advantage of the fact that i easily lose track of all conversations. answer my questions about gamzee."

"FINE. NO, HE'S NOT TAKING CARE OF ME. I'M FINE AND HAVE NO NEED FOR ASSISTANCE. ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING BETTER, SO LEAVE BEFORE YOU ARE CONTAMINATED. AS A HUMAN, YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE FROM IT. OF COURSE, YOU'D MOST LIKELY COME BACK, UNLESS DYING BY CHOKING ON YOUR OWN PHLEGM COUNTS AS HEROIC. I HAVE A FEELING IT DOESN'T. I SUPPOSE IT COULD BE JUST POETICALLY."

"shut your trap. i feel the need to point out that you didn't say that he wasn't supposed to be here. where the hell is he?"

"WHY WOULD I KNOW? I JUST ALCHEMIZED A SHIT TON OF SPAGHETTIOS AND HOLED MYSELF UP TO AVOID SPREADING MY CONTAMINATION. I HAVE AN ABLUTION BLOCK IN THE NEXT ROOM, SO -"

"okay, i realize that i'm not supposed to ask you where the murderclown is. just tell me why he isn't currently in here tending to your every need like a hovering mother would do for her infant?" Dave asks. He sees pressure building up inside him, behind his eyes, and wonders if he pushed just a little too far.

"CAUSE HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE," Karkat spouts. Strangely enough, he stopped there. Dave took that to mean that something was _very _wrong. And not just the whole sick thing, he'd proven that it wasn't currently prohibiting his ability to retort and rant about any and everything that came to mind.

"okay, i'm not taking any of your bullshit today, vantas. what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'M FUCKING SICK, YOU MORON." Dave pinches the bridge of his nose.

"i _know_," he spits out between his teeth, "look, just give it up for once. you need to tell someone what's going on with your shit and why you're flipping it, cause guess what? i think you may have a legitimate reason to be flipping your shit for once in your life, and you're not doing it. flip your shit, karkles. flip it so much that it turns into a spherical object of sheer force and anger that flies all the way off the handle. i should see your shit flipping an acrobatic fucking pirouette off that handle, okay? just...i don't care that you can't stand the fucking sight of me, you can't bottle up your emotions, kid. trust me, it doesn't work. you'll just explode at that one drop that's so tiny and inconsequential that no one will even understand why you blew up. they'll write you up as unstable and move on, forever afraid of you. they'll hate you.

"DAVE, YOU SOUND EXTREMELY HYPOCRITICAL RIGHT ABOUT NOW. THERE'S JUST NO ONE FOR ME TO EXPRESS ANYTHING TO."

"i'm offering, you fuggin dolt."

"YEAH, I GET THAT, BUT WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I HATE YOU?"

"...you're kidding?"

"NO. THOUGH I HAVE TO SAY, YOU'RE REALLY AMUSING ME RIGHT NOW. I AM CURRENTLY STRUGGLING TO CONTAIN MY HYSTERICAL FUCKING LAUGHTER."

"um, you sound the same as you always do," Dave points out. Karkat just snorts and rolls his eyes.

* * *

_Dave: Take Control of the Story From the Author_

It finally occurs to you that, minus the constant irritable aura surrounding him, Karkat has his own facade. In fact, it was better than your own, since Rose didn't even try to break it. She didn't realize there was more than anger inside him. _'How can _I _see that. My ecto-sibling doesn't even know about it. Just what exactly have I been missing, misreading?' _you think. "i...so, i guess you're kinda okay with me?" you say.

"YEAH, A BIT," he grins slightly as he speaks now. It's peculiar, and it doesn't do anything to you, unlike what you'd have expected. Well, you didn't think you'd get butterflies and get all flustered, but you thought that you'd experience some sort of shock or something. But no, it's just natural. Peculiar, but not weird or shocking or OH MY GOG, WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT HIS SMILE?! PAY ATTENTION, HE'S SPEAKING!

"SO, SINCE YOU'RE SO PUSHY AND GETTING A BIT EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT-"

"i was not," you say aloofly with a tilt of your head. Playing amused, but you're really anxious and worried about this silly little gray alien.

"GAMZEE BROKE IT OFF," he finishes with a rush of air.

"he broke up with you? why?" You ask, trying to keep calm. You start feeling defensive, much like Bro seemed to feel towards you at even the smallest of threats. You want to go after Gamzee and demand an explanation. Civilly. If he has a good reason, you'll drop it, and if he doesn't, you'll just...uh...hmm. You don't really want to admit that to yourself. Wait, were you seriously considering going after and talking to the murderclown? Shit, you're getting attached.

"HE'S A SELFISH NOOKSNIFFING BASTARD WHO CAN'T THINK PAST FONDLING HIS HORNS AND WORSHIPING HIS MESSIAH. THAT'S WHY. HE THOUGHT I WOULD JUST DRAG HIM DOWN, SO HE DUMPED ME WITHOUT CONSIDERATION OF WHETHER OR NOT I FUCKING NEEDED HIM AT ALL. WHICH, I SUPPOSE I DIDN'T, SINCE HE NEVER HELD UP HIS END OF THE FUCKING DIAMOND," he sighs, pauses, and then continues, "CAN WE...MAYBE...MOVE TO SOMEWHERE PROPER."

"like where?"

"A PILE, PERHAPS?" He looks extremely sheepish at the prospect and you don't know why. You assume that it's just him being self-degrading and thinking that you'd deny him even such a simple thing as a pile. You know that trolls are more comfortable and prefer to sleep on jagged ends in a pile rather than a bed.

You shrug, "yeah. why not?" He seems to blush. You frown a little, thinking that between his already flushed face and the thick skin, he must be blushing pretty hard for you to notice. "you alright karkles?"

"YEAH," he says as he huddles in on himself, "JUST A BIT COLD."

"oh, right, you're pretty sick, aren't you? doesn't matter, i don't care if i catch your deadly plague. like you said earlier, god tier powers should bounce me back if i die." He snorts, but you swear that his face gets redder. Damn. You help him up; strangely, he doesn't mind. Instead, he sniffles a bit, grabs the tissues, and actually leans against your side. You feel him shivering all the way down to your bones. You feel really bad for him and briefly wonder if breaking up with your mwahrail (You think it's called that. Shit, now you feel really bad for not listening to Karkat all those times he explained it to you) would make you more fragile. The thought makes you want to wrap your other arm around him, but you don't. That would be just a bit weird and you don't think he'd appreciate it. However, you do tighten the grip you have on him in a way that you hope is imperceptible. You smile, which translates to a twitch of your lips for you.

"aight. let's make ourselves a shitty pile."

* * *

**This isn't over. If you caught my deviation, let me know. I didn't exactly try to hide it, but it's small. If you didn't catch it and really want to know, just ask. **

**This is my personal thought bubble of story. Sorry, but requests and outside ships aren't a thing here. That's the Circle series, which follows known canon strictly (but it's all on the meteor, which is my favored setting). You'll get my flavor this way, instead of me making all your favorite ships make sense as they sail. I may continue this one for a while, but be warned, if I do, this can't be the alpha timeline *ominous laughter floats in your head like the gentlest of butterfly wings*. I like making characters die as much as Hussie, I trample on your feels, and I love writing cliffhangers. Read with caution.**


End file.
